| Little girl lost |
[Jun. 14th, 2009|10:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Perth | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
I don't know what to do, I feel so lost right now.
On the Queen's birthday public holiday (Melbourne time), while at a Winter Sound System recovery, my Mum called and told me that my Dad had died sometime over the previous week. For the duration of this post Dad refers to my biological father who lives in Perth, not my step-father who I live with in Melbourne. Now, what happened was that he had been sick for the last 10 years with lupus (see House, sometimes it really is) and had suffered frm kidney failure and been on dialysis and had a transplant and was generally very ill. However, he had been better but in the last two weeks had been feeling especially crook. So much so that he had insisted on not being visited earlier in the week and on Sunday after the police kicked the door down, was found dead in his unit, and had been there for a few days at least.
So that's pretty sad. My Dad died alone and no one knew. Anyway, so I got on a plane on Thursday and came to Perth to be with my brothers and help organise the funeral with my brother James and be there to show my respects on behalf of my Melbourne family and all of that. I have never had to deal with any of this stuff before and I generally stay away from funerals because I feel awkward and unnecessary. Now I've been thrust into the deep end of organising a funeral and doing that whole family thing and I am staying with my Nanna and basically dealing with this stuff alone. And I am really feeling it.
My Mum has her own reasons why she wouldn't be that upset about it, but she wouldn't understand why I would be. I had only started getting to know my Dad since he got sick, I remember visiting him in hospital having dialysis when I was about 12, he was much stronger then. Still wearing a Harley Davidson singlet and bandana, as always. The thing is, he was never that good at being a Dad, just like my Mum isn't that good at being a Mum. But he sort of never made enough of an effort, where as my Mum really did try in her own way. I cried a little and then pulled myself together when I found out, but today, going through the proceedings with the celebrant and choosing readings and music and so on, I lost it. And I felt so alone. The thing is, I don't have the relationship with my brothers where I could call them up and talk about this stuff, Ryan and I sort of do, but we've never been through anything like this together.
All I really wanted was someone that I really care about to be here with me just so I don't feel like I have to deal with all of this stuff by myself. A little bit of comfort, a little bit of communication, just a cuddle and a 'how you doing?' and stuff would be enough. I'm struggling to get phone calls returned, let alone any of that supportive stuff.
So at the moment I feel like my whole life is falling apart. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get kicked out of Uni (and I'm not being flippant or worst-case scenario to make myself feel better), my relationship is a bare skeleton of what it was, I'm tring to cope with my Dad's death pretty much by myself, I still have massive money problems, I have to go back to living with my parents when I go back to Melbourne and oh, yeah, I still hate my body.
Had a great night last night with my family, specifically Ryan and my favourite aunt, Tara and others. It made me realise how much I do fit in with them, I can see where so much of my personality comes from and I feel better about being just that little bit bogan or white trash, raised by the outcast intellectuals that are my Mum & step-dad. It makes me want to move back here, apart from the gorgeous weather, feeling like this especially so.
This has been a tough year, and we're not even half way through. |
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| Uneasy |
[Jun. 2nd, 2009|11:28 am] |
I'm not sure how I feel about this, to be honest.
Rich and I agreed to stay together but take a few steps back and be on a 'space' - like being on a break but still being together, just not living together and having our own time for a bit. He seemed happy with that but still bailed before he could have a teary, which is weird because we worked this out so what is there to have a teary about?
I messaged him to say godnight, didn't call cause I thought it would be too much, and he didn't reply. But I know he was up because he tweeted around the same time. We didn't arrange a time to see each other again and we barely even kissed goodbye. I feel really weird about it now I've slept on it. I still don't know when I'm going to see him, we've still really had no physical contact and he still isn't actually reciprocating any contact. It's that same as if we weren't together at all.
I guess we'll see how it all goes. |
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| Miscellaneous |
[May. 13th, 2009|04:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Cheap Tricks vol 1 | ] |
When I told my Dad, with all his highbrow literary genius, that I had a pimple on the end of my nose (glamorous, I know), he responded with: "It's ya face"
I've been eating really well this week, apart from a couple of minor deviations due to underestimating my energy needs. In fact, it's bordering on creepy.
Weird things I've enjoyed this week:
- Sunflower & pumpkin seeds
- Pumpernickel and vegan cream cheese
- V8 vegetable juice
- Drinking lots of hot water with lemon and green tea
I had 2 salmon hand rolls before dancing last night and then I couldn't fit my whole dinner in even though it was 4 hours later.
When Fosters screwed me around with my contract and payslip, I couldn't tell Centrelink what my earnings were for 6 weeks. That meant that I was getting paid when I wasn't supposed to. I got a letter saying that now I have to pay it back. $574 I don't have. Awesome, something else I can't afford. Looks like I'm going to be working my ass of something chronic over holidays.
I went to Pole Divas Open Day last Saturday. I'm a convert. As soon as I walked in it looked more professional, the girls were wayyy hotter and their technique was better! So now I'm conflicted. I figured I'd finish Level 4 at Pole Princess, doing two classes a week, and start from the beginning at Pole Divas even though they said I could do a grading and go straight into Intermediate 1 or 2. I'll keep going at both for a while, but slowly pull myself away from Pole Princess. Divas don't care if you're doing classes elsewhere as well, but Annii obviously has a problem with it. Divas didn't even say a bad word about Pole Princess the whole time, whereas Annii slags out Pole Divas all the time. Gee... I wonder who has the confidence issues?
I have 45-odd days to make sure I can easily run 5km in half an hour. I've done two interval-runs, plenty of walking and 4.5 hours of poledancing class in the last 5 days. At the moment, I've still got a long way to go. But I'll get there. I haven't had a cigarette or a drink since Saturday and I'm not intending on smoking at least until the run is done.
On Saturday, after not hearing from her for 10 days, I filed a missing persons report for Tash. She messaged me on Saturday night just casually saying there had been a "slight incadent (sic)" and when I called her she told me her bag had been "taken", but she had since recovered her phone. Which had been ringing out for 10 days? I think not. And that she couldn't get back because she didn't have her keycard or concession card. And her girlfriend couldn't lend her $15 to get back. Bullshit. And she knows my number and Pete's number off by heart but hadn't contacted us by ANY means, yet still knew one of us had called her Mum? You don't just get your phone back at 7:45pm on a Saturday night. Anyone stealing a phone takes the SIM out or turns it off, they don't put it on charge. Or if it was the police that had it, they would have answered it. When the missing persons report was filed any police station with her things would have picked up on it. Anyway so I'm really pissed off. Besides, it also uncovers another lie anyway, the one where she tried to tell me she's having chemotherapy. Guess what love, you have to check in with a hospital, you can't just go MIA for 2 weeks. And to top it all off, I don't know what she was thinking just expecting me to go way out of my way to keep feeding her cat.
I am still confused about what is going on with Rich. Some days it is almost good. |
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| An amazing day |
[May. 5th, 2009|09:44 pm] |
Today there was someone smiling on me.
I started my Social Psychology assignment last night around 8pm. I finish it at 3am and then got up today, went to Uni after stuffing about for a couple of hours, and finished it and handed it in, an hour and a half early with full formatting and word count and extra references.
Then I found $20 nestled among all the receipts in my wallet so I decided to have a drink at Cabinet to celebrate my assignment miracle.
On the way to Cabinet on the tram, Ben called me to ask if I could work tomorrow and complimented me on behalf of himself and the Marketing manager on the great job I've been doing lately.
Then I discovered that the bar manager/owner/whatever at Cabinet doesn't like a couple of the people I don't like either, so that made me quietly happy on the inside too.
I enjoyed a couple of wines, went hope and cooked dinner and then my day turned bleh.
Le sigh.
I'm talking to a girl on msn, we're reminiscing about the good old Swinburne Senior Secondary days...
I miss being a young derelict sometimes. |
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| Creep |
[May. 5th, 2009|12:43 pm] |
Annik Skelton is a creep.
Just putting it out there.
Go read her blog at www.annikskelton.com
But don't ever comment.
Just read it. |
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| Fark |
[May. 4th, 2009|05:00 pm] |
Dammit. I managed to spend my tax bonus. I suppose it did go into Australian Industry, as the government was intending, but I was intending on paying it off my credit card and not actually spending any of it on stuff.
Although I got:
- My second course at Pole Princess (so now I'm doing 2 x Level 4 classes)
- Paid my phone bill as soon as I got it so I can forget about it
- A pair of real runners for Run Melbourne that will last me forever
- Lunch with Brenna that was very much needed after the whole "fatty" debarcle
- Borscht, Vodka & Tears lunch with Ryan to catch up before he did my hair
- My half of the month's orthodontist payment taht I'd forgotten about
So I did pretty well out of it but it's kind of crap that I paid it all off my credit card and now it's maxed out again. Going out on the weekend didn't really help, plus all of life's expenses.
Ryan owes me $250 so that's going back into our account and then my paycheck on Thursday will be living and Richo's on Friday will be paying off his Visa and closing the account. Fun! I guess I'm having a povo fortnight, which is fine because I have assignments.
Saturday was a good day, I worked at the DesignEX show and then went to Wagamama and an emo gig at the Evelyn with Duncan. It was awesome, even though we really only went to see the first support band, they played my favourite song straight away and then we almost got to get a photo with the band but hey, they're emos, they're all over the place :P Had a great night though, ended up at Seamstress and a friend's engagement party I had forgotten about. So when I left it was 1am and they were closing. Hah. So much for an early, cheap night, which was what I was intending.
Had an amazing dinner last night with the family, including 2 of my 3 brothers and caught up with Hannah a little bit more than I got to last time, so that was awesome. Seems like we're both having boy problems at the moment and struggling with assignments.
I was shitting myself that I wasn't going to be able to do my Chemistry test because I couldn't get a hold of Greg to help me but after dinner (and almost a bottle of wine) I did it and got 80% so I guess I didn't have to worry too much. My average only dropped 0.25 to 9.25/10 so I can't complain too much. Although I haven't started my Psych assignment that's due tomorrow, so I'm going to need a miracle to get it in on time. |
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| Two months |
[May. 1st, 2009|09:53 am] |
So Rich and I are giving our relationship it's final call - two months.
We had crisis talks last night and came very close to just calling it off then and there. Due to financial/living arrangements and things we're going to give it 2 months, to reassess after the first month. So we're going to pay of as much debt as we can, be nice to each other, try and have fun and decide whether we should bother looking for a place together at all and yes, I'm going to try and get back to the weight I was when we met. Compromise, I guess!
Then if it's still not working after 2 months we'll figure out how much we're still owing and which parts are whose and help each other out as much as we can - finding places/splitting and regaining assets from stored locations/paying back money etc. He was ready to call it quits when I told him none of my friends like him though, which isn't 100% true, I'm sure they're just being good friends and sticking up for me but I'm also not 100% sure that's true either.
And Rich is right, I've put on 7kg since we started going out and I really should get back into shape because I want to and it's not making me happy - his opinion on it is irrelevant, but it is a bit of a wake up call.
He's had plenty of chances, like seriously, maybe a dozen - but it's only fair we both pitch in to try and make it work this time. So I guess we'll find out! |
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| Wow... awesome... |
[Apr. 29th, 2009|10:02 pm] |
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So Rich just told me that he thinks I'm a bit of a fatty and that's why he's not really attracted to me anymore. What an awesome day. |
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| Bleh... the end of a crazy, crazy era. |
[Apr. 27th, 2009|01:58 pm] |
I am fucking exhausted. Didn't sleep at all on Saturday night after going to a dance performance/party with Ryan which we were both disappointed with. I spent a large proportion of my time at the house-gathering we ended up at afterwards smoking and playing bejeweled/facebook/twitter outside. The only thing there was to drink was a bottle of scotch so I had one drink of watered down scotch from a wine glass and was watching a bunch of people I didn't know get stoned and think everything is so intellectual and hilarious but it was all complete crap. Yeah so obviously I was a bit bored but that's okay, I left at 7:30am to catch the tram home and Rich was still up, I think he'd waited up for me working on music, the poor thing was exhausted. But now I'm wrecked because I just powered through an studied all day Sunday and got another good mark for Chemistry quiz.
I just sent my boss and manager an email quitting the studio immediately, and the only response I got was from my manager saying "Immediately as in right now? As in not working at all this week?". Because I'm casual I can do that and I'd rather spend time with my brother and my friends and working on assignements so yes immediately. So I responded and let her know that if she can't get anyone else to do Wednesday I'll do it because I know she has Uni. But I was rostered on Saturday night and Sunday so too bad so sad. This has been a long time coming and I'm so relieved. Scared to get yelled at and that they'll be horrible, horrible bitches to me, but relieved.
Organising a cheap food adventure with friends tomorrow night, should be good :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 26th, 2009|04:33 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | lyrics | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  awake | ] |
Don't stray
Don't ever go away
I should be much to smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time don't let me drown
Let me down
I say it's all because of you
And here I go losing my control
I'm practicing your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right to look you in the eyes
And let all the things you mean to me come tumbling out my mouth and beat it
Indeed it's time
Tell you why
Infinitely true
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know all about you
And there's no cure and no way to be sure
Why everything turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten my every afternoon
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know all about you... |
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| I was never meant to be with anyone |
[Apr. 22nd, 2009|12:44 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | life | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Deepsky vs Yilmaz Altanham - Ghost vs Eighties | ] |
A few of my friends will have heard of my infamous 'Life Plan', because yes, I really am that anally retentive that I wrote myself up a timeline of things I wanted to achieve and when. It had some ridiculously optimistic and almost inachievable goals, essentially setting myself up for failure and disappointment.
The funny thing is, now that I'm 21 (until July anwyay) I know how silly it is to make plans about Uni and houses and family and stuff because plans just don't work out as you always intend. I mean sure, it's good to look toward the future and have an idea in your head of what you want and so on, but life has too many extraneous variables (a favourite psychology term of mine!).
One thing I didn't count on was being such a hopeless romantic, and that the precise fact that I never want to get into a relationship when I'm single seems to be a fairly attractive quality (that whole being happy with yourself thing, whatevs), because my Life Plan insisted that I should be single until 21 so that I have adequate time to find myself and get my youthful enjoyment of debauchery out of the way.
I can definitely see my own point there. That would, in theory, have been an absolutely brilliant idea and would have me in a lot less of a mess financially, academically and mentally. But I would have missed out on some really amazing life experience. I suppose, being a "what if...?"/grass-is-greener type, the question I've been asking myself is this:
If I had been single for the last 3 years, would I be better or worse off than I am now? and also, If I was planning to be single for the last 3 years, should I still take that time, and when?
I suppose it's a bit of a misnomer at the moment, but since it's probably one of the more dangerous unanswered questions, I'm hoping to figure it out sooner rather than later. |
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| Out of sight and out of mind |
[Apr. 21st, 2009|09:46 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Lydia - Smile, you've won | ] |
I'm staying at Tash's this week (and maybe with Hannah in Ballarat on Wednesday night, oh how I miss her :( We shall eat salmon & pumpkin risotto and drink mead but I digress...) so that I can stop myself being distracted and just study and not have to travel almost an hour and a half to get to Uni. I've been doing my own head in lately. I'm getting anxiety again. About Uni work and working at too many jobs and one that I dislike so much but feel so loyal to, living with my parents and about money and about all of these conflicting feelings I'm having.
I signed up to do the Run Melbourne. It's in 67 days. I know I can do it, because I used to run 5km at the the gym anyway, so it's not like I'm an unfit couch potato or anything. So check it out:
http://runmelbourne.everydayhero.com.au/ceri
Okay so I have to write a 2 page fact sheet on Cardiovascular disease and heart foundation recommendations for positive dietary impacts on risk factors and hand it in by 4pm Thursday. I better get to it, I have plenty of articles and stuff so I should be fine. Yay for Diet & Disease :)
---
Well, she looks at the doors and turns, says,
"We will always be safe here in this bed
All I see scares me, and no one waits forever." |
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| Finally, my condition has a name |
[Apr. 14th, 2009|02:41 pm] |
All my life I have been suffering from a debilitating condition that affects every aspect of my life, and until now, I have not had a name to assign to it. But when I picked up a copy of Cleo to flick through on my lunch break it all became clear to me.
Ever since I was a small child I have been a victim of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). When I was in kindergarten I would insist on my Grandmother picking me up late and if there were other children around when she came to collect be I would be overcome with the fear that " might miss something!" This is a story that my Grandmother relishes telling anyone who will listen, but I now know this is far from a laughing matter.
I arrive early and stay late at parties. I say 'yes' to far too many shifts or subjects and end up overloading myself, I try and cram way too many social events into my calendar and have far too many Facebook friends to actually keep in touch with properly... why? Because I fear that saying 'no' will mean that I miss something. Not sure what promted this fear exactly, but I can only assume that somewhere along the lines I've placed too much emphasis on being in the right place at the right time or something like that.
Burning the candle at both ends, living in the fast lane, and all those other cliches... that's pretty much me. Although I've come to the conclusion that all the stress that comes with trying to squeeze too much into too little time, is bad for me, and not only that but it means my efforts are spread just a little too thin, as my academic transcript will tell you.
It's one thing being up for anything, and it's another being up for everything.
Because I'm pretty sure FOMO is going to be the death of me.
---
Also, the most amazing thing happened to me this morning. I woke up, washed & blow-dried my hair, put my makeup on (at home not on the tram, for once!), packed my bag to go to the gym tonight, and left the house only to arrive at work at 8:10am. I got a coffee from the coffee shop in my building and then head upstairs. Twenty minutes early and 100% organised for the day.
Those of you that know me in real life will understand what an amazing feat this is for me - usually I snooze for too long, resort to dry-shampoo and hair tied back, doing my make up on the tram and getting to work somewhere in between 5 minutes early and 10 minutes late, all times requiring a rushed coffee pickup and remebering at some point during the day that I was going to go to the gym but don't have all my stuff.
Maybe going to bed at a reasonable hour is the key. I reckon I was asleep well before 11pm, even though it took me a while to actually get to sleep.
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| Working hard to work hard |
[Apr. 4th, 2009|10:26 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Straylight Run - Existentialism on Prom Night | ] |
I'm shocked - that was actually a GOOD meeting and nothing bad came from it. Just talk about renovations, class prices, mid year competition, end of year show and then lots of love about how good the team is.
I sent my boss an email asking her if there's been some kind of miscommunication with my hours because I am actually available more than the hours I've been given and she responded by saying that she thought I wasn't available, and so was put in a bit of a bind and had to hire someone else on short notice. Which basically means my manager totally misunderstood my availabilities and the fact that I was just frustrated working every weeknight and every Saturday night and wasn't able to do classes, hang with my boyf, work full days at my other (preferred) job and all of that.
The thing is, I love the place so much, but it's all the crap that comes from my manager that I don't like. I have this strong sense of loyalty and obviously am a workaholic, but studying makes it hard and not driving makes it hard and living in North Melbourne makes it hard and being in a relationship is hard.
I lost someone I care about very much because I put work first, and didn't have enough time with them to nurture our relationship which meant that things weren't great and I coped really, really badly and selfishly with it. I don't want to make the same mistake again.
I know that I need to work less not more, and study and get the best grades I can but getting out of debt and into my own place and all of that just seems so much better...
What am I avoiding?
I'm running away from something into work, but I don't know what it is.
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| Bleh |
[Apr. 3rd, 2009|06:08 pm] |
I really don't want to go to this stupid staff meeting. I know it's going to be my last so I can't be fucked going there for an hour at 8pm on a Friday night when I should be at the pub studying.
I'm feeling creatively emo and I want a cuddle. I have writers block. Not to journal, because journalling is just an outlet for my mental diarrhoea anyway, but I felt like I wanted to actually write something today but the inspiration never came. I felt anxious and restless and couldn't settle to do Uni work and just ended up wandering around and getting rained on.
I'm glad it's the weekend now and I don't have to work. God, I'm so glad. I'm planning on getting as much Uni work done as possible and going out on Saturday night and sleeping in and god knows what else. Cocooning I think.
Damn these people who are good writers. And damn meeting. And damn... just damn.
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| thoughts and words |
[Apr. 2nd, 2009|10:14 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Uni | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Goyte - Hearts a mess | ] |
I decided not to go to my lecture, I was feeling too reflective.
Been thinking a lot over the last few days. Not really sure what the outcome of it all is, or rather, that any of my thinking changes my life in any sort of a way except for perhaps making peace with thoughts and feelings I've had for a long time. Some things. I think, as much as it pains you to let them go, just have to be chalked up to life lessons. I suppose I'm working through the tangled mess of my head and heart and untangling it all slowly, making sense of and peace with it all and moving on.
But I'm also thinking that I might like to write more after all. I'm not getting enough good material to write about at samesame and they didn't even publish the 3 reviews I wrote and I'm thinking it's because the person that was looking after it isn't anymore. Which is a shame because I thought they were quite good in the end. But I'm not sure if I have enough time to be writing more, to be honest, what with Uni and all. I was tempted to apply to wrote for the campus newsletter or cross-campus magazine but I just can't help thinking negatively about the direction of the organisation after all the changes that have happened since I was involved.
So maybe I'll just stick to my Livejournal for now... |
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| anthem for a seventeen year old girl |
[Mar. 30th, 2009|09:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | broken social scene | ] |
Used to be the one of the rotten ones
And I liked you for that
Now you're all gone, got your make-up on
And you're not coming back
Bleachin' your teeth, smiling flash
Talking trash, under my window
Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Used to be the one of the rotten ones
And I liked you for that
Now you're all gone, got your make-up on
And you're not coming back |
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